Category Archives: Wives

Prayers, Wives

Wife In Pain

Father, I feel my husband’s pain. I live with his anger, discouragement, and depression every day. Why is this happening to us, to him, and to me? I feel like a ship out on the open sea in a storm, without a rudder or power to get back to shore. I don’t know what to do except cry out to you, day and night. I’m looking for the answer that you will give.

I thank you, Lord, that you are here for me. I don’t always feel you are close. I feel abandoned by my husband, my friends, my church, and even my family. But I know you are here. I know you experienced the feelings of betrayal and rejection during your darkest hour on this earth. You know exactly how I feel at this moment.

Lord Jesus, I give you thanks that I can experience your sufferings. I don’t like it, but I know this is changing me for eternity. You brought us together and it is your will that we work out our salvation together. We are learning in a very practical way what “..for better or for worse” really means. May the words of I Corinthians 13 really come true in me. That will have to be You because I don’t have the power to live that kind of love out myself. Thank you for your love that never fails!

Gracious God, I need your presence as never before. I ask you to give me wisdom to speak humbly and gently so that my husband will receive the words and not lash out at me, too. He needs me as his friend so very much but he keeps pushing me away. Lord, let me be your tender touch of grace to him and let me be your voice of compassion to him. I ask you to fill me with a fresh flow of your love that will cover a multitude of sins, his and mine. We want to be restored, Lord. Thank you for every morsel of forgiveness and grace that you pour into this situation. You are the answer, Lord, and I love you!

Praying the Scriptures . . .

I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me. (Psa. 69:29 NIV)

For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God. But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. (I Peter 2:19-21 NIV)

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. (Rev. 21:4 NIV)

I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. I will make those who are of the synagogue of Satan, who claim to be Jews though they are not, but are liars I will make them come and fall down at your feet and acknowledge that I have loved you. Since you have kept my command to endure patiently, I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come upon the whole world to test those who live on the earth. (Rev. 3:8-10 NIV)

My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psa.62:1-2 NIV)

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matt.11:28-30 NIV

Tree of Life, Wives

Trimming the Wick

In all the times of aggravation, consternation and head shaking of being a servant of God, a loving wife, a joyful mother, a spiritual leader to other women, young and old, there are times when I have just laid on my bed and cried feeling helpless and discouraged that I just couldn’t measure up to the expectations of all these people! I have felt so small and inconsequential as I reached out to people with encouragement, assistance and a smile knowing that my little bit of help was not really going to make a big difference in their lives.

When I was in my twenties I really thought my words had weight but as I grew older I found that most people went ahead and did what they were planning to do despite my opinion even when they had asked for it. People often resisted asking my opinion as I grew into my thirties because I was the pastor’s wife and I would give them the answer they already knew was in the Bible, the answer they did not want to hear. It would break my heart when I would see the consequence of their actions which could have been avoided if they had only listened to the wisdom of the Bible.

As my husband experienced burn-out and the slow recovery from it, I, too, have had to recover. I think a lot of it is simply a new level of wisdom which God has graciously imparted. My expectations of myself and of other people have dropped considerably. I maintain my high moral standard but now feel a blessing when others seek to keep their word, or do a kind deed, or offer to pray rather than being let down when they don’t do these things. As I feel the patience of God toward me and my shortcomings I can now extend that same patience toward others. They are only human after all. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are the only One who understands all the details of any situation. I certainly don’t pretend to any more.

I try not to judge others (a difficult thing) but seek to give all people the benefit of the doubt. As Paul said, “There, but for the grace of God, go I”. The words of scripture help me straighten the path of my children and myself and I let God be the guide for the others. I try to speak the truth in love and let the Holy Spirit be the conscience pricker. My job is now to keep watch over my tongue, my household, and my own responsibilities. I cannot solve all the world’s problems but I can make a difference in a few lives that will make a difference in another generation to come. Some of our work will never be seen until another generation or two goes by and of course, our name may not even be associated with that work. But the Lord is faithful to remember our labor of love for His name’s sake.

If you are a woman feeling the pressure of trying to please too many people, the congregation, the pastor, the Board, your own family, try backing off for a while and taking a deep breath of Jesus’ grace. When the woman caught in adultery was brought before Him He diverted everyone’s attention from her trembling body to what He was doing, writing on the ground. He knew she couldn’t stand the pressure, the stares, the accusations, the finger-pointing. He gently reoriented the crowd of accusers to look at their own lives, not hers and seek forgiveness for their own sins leaving the woman to deal with hers directly with God. Jesus didn’t abandon her, though. He gently told her that He didn’t condemn her, (she was forgiven) and to go and sin no more. Wow! She got another chance! I hope she didn’t blow it and we can all talk to her in heaven to find out how her life turned around. She probably had to move to another town to get away from the wagging tongues but at least she could start over again. That is the grace of God.

When the pressure is on, stop, breathe deeply, and consider who you really are trying to please. The major person you need to please is Jesus Christ and next to Him is your own husband (or future husband if you are not married). After those two come your own children who may need more of your attention. If you are a paid employee, your boss needs some of your consideration. Now, if you can juggle the desires of all those people you are doing great! Be wise and careful about all your other commitments. Do the will of God by setting a good example to the rest of the congregation, showing love and kindness, but keep your eyes on Jesus. He’s the one who will be your real judge, not the congregation. Set your priorities and don’t get side-tracked by inconsiderate comments some ill-informed person may make.

I would love to talk to you about these lessons I have learned and am still learning. How do you decide what is the most important thing to concentrate on? If you want to talk, you can call me at 918-919-1490 or email helpforpastors@gmail.com. God bless you all as you work on trimming the wick.

Wives

The Supportive Wife

Dear Ladies,

If your husband is on the brink of the abyss called termination of employment with the church, you are in for a wild ride. Lots of people go through times of unemployment or job change and just work their way through it. There are many government and private organizations which deal with helping the unemployed get back into the work force. However, we have not found many agencies which understand the unique situation in which pastors find themselves when faced with unemployment.

Many employers won’t even look at a resume that says a man pastored a church for “x” number of years if other work experience is not listed. It seems the common conclusion is that the man will not stay long but will just find another church. We know that is not so easy or likely especially if the reason for termination is that the man is totally burnt out and going through deep soul searching of who he is. Most employers don’t realize that the man needs a time away from the pastorate and that he will most likely be an excellent worker who will stay at the job for at least 18 months or more.

Even Christian ministries tend to overlook men from the clergy unless there is a previous relationship to build on. They would prefer to find some bright young college or seminary graduates who can be shaped to their world view rather than take a seasoned, experienced man of the cloth who already has a world view of his own. It is a shame that they cannot see the wealth of depth and experience available to them in these former pastors.

Many pastor’s wives already work outside the home and feel the pain of having to take up the slack that will be there as their husband looks for other work. If you have children at home it is an even heavier burden. You now have to be the major bread winner, prop up an exhausted and often brooding husband, keep your children on an even keel so they don’t suffer too much and do your other functions in a cheerful manner.

Only the Living God can give you the grace to survive this! Don’t lose that most precious source of power you have. This is a time when every moment on your knees and whispered prayer throughout the day and night has tremendous importance. You may have to be the spiritual leader of the family, for a while. There may be times when your husband cannot even pray at the table. He may not want to attend church. Please understand that this will pass if you, in all faithfulness, don’t give up. He is probably having to spend a lot of time in his cave waiting for that still small voice from the Father which will give him the courage to go on. In the mean time you may have to weather all kinds of earthquakes, windstorms and even fire before your husband finally hears that wonderful voice.

Yes, you are overworked, over-stressed and heading for your own depression. But I firmly believe that God will give you the grace sufficient for today! He has promised that He will not try us more than we can endure. He will provide a way of escape. I hope you can find a few friends who can pray for you every day and give you whatever support you need, groceries, cash, babysitting services, a ready smile. They may not be in your home congregation. They may belong to a women’s ministry in another church, but seek them out. They are there. God will provide some kind of support when the need is crucial. He has for me. Even one friend to confide your helplessness to will make a big difference.

Don’t run down your husband. He needs allies, friends, supporters right now. Not more critics. He is probably at the lowest place he has ever been in his life and because he is your husband you just have to go with him. It’s one of those things you agreed to when you married him – you know, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer,  ’til death do you part. None of us expected to have to really go those places when we said our vows but God tests us to see if we are really serious. In some cases I think He is taking us through our paces just like He did Abraham. After we finish this trial He will say, “Now, I know you, that you will obey all my commands and will keep my word and will teach your children to do the same thing.” It will be worth all the pain when we come out on the other end with white garments and golden crowns. If you think about the trials of our brethren in other nations it helps to put our present trials in a more bearable perspective.

As your husband searches for a new job or career be patient with him. He has to find out which of his skills and gifts are marketable in the workplace. He probably needs you to tell him what he is good at, what he really enjoys in work, why he is valuable. Be gentle, positive, and realistic. Pray for the right words whenever you have to give him an evaluation. He is especially sensitive right now. He will take any negative remark and exaggerate it out of proportion, so be careful. Search your memory banks for his many successful accomplishments.

Don’t be upset if your husband leans toward a career working with his hands and body. Right now, he is mentally weak and needs a rest. It will be good for him to exercise and strengthen his body even for a little while. Encourage him to get daily exercise and keep the blood flowing well. Try to keep the home as cheerful as you can. It will be a challenge. Help the children to enjoy having their father around more often. Be as positive as you can be. You are usually the barometer of the family feeling the pressure going up or down. Try not to blow your stack. If you need to scream go sit in the car or go out to a field somewhere and cry your heart out to God. He will listen even if He doesn’t instantly offer you the answers. He holds you in the palm of His hand and your screams and cries will not hurt His ears. Be totally honest with God even while you are very careful what you say to your husband. Only God can see the whole picture. He knows you feel like you’re walking through hell right now. Ask Him for lots of help and encouragement and take any that comes your way as from Him.

Another thing to be careful of is your own health. While you are facing this severe trial it is easy to lie awake at night and worry. But it won’t really do any good. You need your sleep to cope with each day of responsibility. Take your vitamins. A glass of milk and some calcium capsules may help you sleep. Get exercise even if it is walking the dog or taking the children to the park. Walk and pray at the same time. And when you lie down to sleep ask God to take all your worries, nail them to the cross and help you to walk away for another day. He will!

Don’t give up. Don’t quit on God. Don’t quit on your husband. Don’t quit on your children. You may be in your hour of greatness and the determining factor in the marriage and in your husband’s life. You are vital to his future! You are a holy vessel doing what you were created to do! In your tongue is the power of life and death. In your hands lie a man’s heart, as you have never seen it before. He is the wounded soldier and you are the nurse with compassion and medicine. God has called you for such a time as this. I pray you will shine more brightly than you have ever shone and your children will rise up and call you blessed and your husband will also praise you saying “Many women have done wonderful things, but you have outclassed them all!” And above all that the Lord will say unto you, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant, come and inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world!”

Do give me (Kathy) a call and we can pray together over the phone. 918-919-1490. Through our shared experience we love you deeply even without knowing you - yet!

- Kathy Wenzel

Wives

When Your Husband Quits

This article is designed to help give insight to the wives of male pastors who have burned-out or have been terminated. At Smoldering Wick we do understand and support the many ministry leaders including pastors who are female, but this article is written from a male point of view because that is my personal experience.

When your husband announces to the family he is totally burned-out and plans on resigning next Sunday, you and the children are thrown into a life change that has great stress and uncertainty. Even if you were expecting him to make such a decision based on all your conversations over the past many months, the finalization of the decision still has strong emotional repercussions.

What will we do now? How long until he has a new job? Will I have to work two jobs to support the family? Are we staying in the same denomination? Why are our friends not calling us anymore? Why have our pastor friends in the same denomination abandoned us? How long will this whole trial last? A year? Five years? Forever? When will I have my husband back? The zealous man I married who wanted to save the world for Jesus - now he seems a different person who is disillusioned and sometimes very cynical. Will our family ever be back to normal?

How will this impact our children? Will they give up Christianity when they realize how the church and pastor friends have treated us? Will we even have good friends again we can trust and share with?

Never stop looking to God, and place all your trust in Him. Try to understand what is happening to your husband, and give as much support and encouragement as you can. Please refrain from criticism, your husband has had all he can handle. To not support him is to further isolate him, and that is a very strong feeling that is flooding his life right now. To join the ranks of his critics will probably lead to the end of your marriage faster than you may think. Your husband is in the crisis of his life.

Being a male, your husband may have allowed his position and title to become much more than Jesus ever had in mind. Position and title and all the trappings may have become his entire life, and now, he finds himself with no identity. No longer are people seeking him out for his wisdom and counsel. No longer is he in charge of a staff that works with him and gives him the feedback he wants. No longer are his teaching gifts being used. No longer is he Pastor Joe, Reverend Smith or Mr. Smith. Now he is simply unemployed Joe, or, “hey-you.”

Your husband may become a yo-yo emotionally. One day is up, positive and still enthusiastically teaching the family Bible study that evening around the kitchen table. The next day his heart may be filled with bitterness and rage against denominational leaders or church members. One minute he is praying forgiveness over all who have hurt him, the next moment his is ranting and raving about the stupid Christians who abuse people so badly. Perhaps the next day he will be sullen and introspective as he ponders all the mistakes he made and the people he hurt along the road. The desert he is walking in now will change him and draw him closer to the Jesus he moved away from when his calling and position became what your husband anchored his life to. For you, this process will not be easy. You will be there trying to give support, and his moods will swing back and forth like the desert breeze. Through it all, ladies, remember the desert is a good place. It may be a lonely, dry, thirsty place, but a good place. God has taken many a ministry leader including his own son, Jesus, out in the desert to prepare them for the next phase of ministry.

Give your husband time, just as God was patient with Elijah wandering in the desert, moaning and groaning about how he was the only worshiper left in Israel. By the way, ladies, don’t expect your husband to be totally rational at this point. Burnout can create irrational reasoning. Elijah claimed he wanted to die, and if he really meant that, he should have just stayed put and let Jezebel do her thing!

Ladies, for a while don’t take your husband’s exaggerations and irrational statements too seriously. He is working through a lot of abuse and feelings of failure right now. If he starts talking suicide, take that very seriously and seek help immediately. But in other areas of irrational talk, just listen and let the healing love of Father flow out of you and ever so s-lo-w-l-y begin to heal your husband. Should his irrational reasoning grow to greater proportions and wilder in nature, then indeed you need to seek help for him immediately.

In another area of life your husband may become depressed over his lack of avenue of expression of his speaking, teaching, counseling gifts. He may become frustrated attending church and listening to another preach a sermon. Just walking in and sitting down to listen is something your husband has done little of. He’s been the mover and the shaker, not the quiet follower.

Here are a few aspects to watch for regarding the difference between stress and burnout in your husband. If your husband is still overengaged, he is at the high stress point. He may have just been terminated by the denomination, but if he is talking about immediately doing a church plant, or packing up the family and heading to Asia for a two year mission trip - he’s not burned-out yet - just stressed. Burnout is characterized by disengagement.

When he gets into those emotional swings and rants and raves a little - he’s stressed. If his emotions have become blunted, almost non-existent - he’s burned-out. If his physical health is not so great, that is the result of stress. In burnout, emotional damage is primary.

When he has lost his ideals, dreams and hopes - he is burned-out. Stress alone will rob him of energy, but the loss of his ideals and dreams is most definitely burnout. For a more complete explanation of the differences between stress and burnout, please read our article entitled, Stress, then Burnout. Having a better idea of where your husband is at mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically will help you serve him in a more effective manner.

We urge you, ladies, to seek the help you need to cope with your husband, and to cope with what is happening to you and the family. At Smoldering Wick we provide counseling, love and encouragement free of charge. Call or write and let us be part of your prayer cover as you walk through the desert. Kathy and I are here to serve you, and we do know how you feel. You may write to us at helpforpastors@gmail.com or call 918-919-1490. God bless you and stay godly no matter how long you have to sit in the bottom of the dry well.