Father, I feel my husband’s pain. I live with his anger, discouragement, and depression every day. Why is this happening to us, to him, and to me? I feel like a ship out on the open sea in a storm, without a rudder or power to get back to shore. I don’t know what to do except cry out to you, day and night. I’m looking for the answer that you will give.
I thank you, Lord, that you are here for me. I don’t always feel you are close. I feel abandoned by my husband, my friends, my church, and even my family. But I know you are here. I know you experienced the feelings of betrayal and rejection during your darkest hour on this earth. You know exactly how I feel at this moment.
Lord Jesus, I give you thanks that I can experience your sufferings. I don’t like it, but I know this is changing me for eternity. You brought us together and it is your will that we work out our salvation together. We are learning in a very practical way what “..for better or for worse” really means. May the words of I Corinthians 13 really come true in me. That will have to be You because I don’t have the power to live that kind of love out myself. Thank you for your love that never fails!
Gracious God, I need your presence as never before. I ask you to give me wisdom to speak humbly and gently so that my husband will receive the words and not lash out at me, too. He needs me as his friend so very much but he keeps pushing me away. Lord, let me be your tender touch of grace to him and let me be your voice of compassion to him. I ask you to fill me with a fresh flow of your love that will cover a multitude of sins, his and mine. We want to be restored, Lord. Thank you for every morsel of forgiveness and grace that you pour into this situation. You are the answer, Lord, and I love you!
Praying the Scriptures . . .
I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me. (Psa. 69:29 NIV)
For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God. But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. (I Peter 2:19-21 NIV)
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. (Rev. 21:4 NIV)
I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. I will make those who are of the synagogue of Satan, who claim to be Jews though they are not, but are liars I will make them come and fall down at your feet and acknowledge that I have loved you. Since you have kept my command to endure patiently, I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come upon the whole world to test those who live on the earth. (Rev. 3:8-10 NIV)
My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psa.62:1-2 NIV)
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matt.11:28-30 NIV
April 1st, 2009 at 11:04 am
Wow! I am so blessed by your articles. They (all) are right on time as my husband - who is my pastor - is going through so much with the church. We both know the Lord has sent him there and for a moment, it seemed as though things were going “okay”. But as pastor began to continue to share the Word and require certain individuals to follow the order of God, they began to “show themselves” and what has been in their hearts all along. Thanks so much for allowing the Lord to use you.
April 19th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Thank you for your website that cares about pastor’s wives.. I am a pastor’s wife and I need a friend. I can relate to the “wife in pain”…I love the Lord but this life in the ministry, I do not love. We’ve been at it for a long time and I would love to be able to have a “normal” life away from scrutiny and the politics of ministry.
August 1st, 2009 at 6:10 pm
I agree with Candace…Love the Lord…not so thrilled with ministry. I know Paul says, “I have become all things to all men so that some might be saved.” I feel like I have become so much to so many without anyone knowing Him more. My dad was a minister…I married a minister…What’s a “normal” life? It feels like a fishbowl.
August 25th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Thank you.I am hurting and my husband is hurting. God is truly good but we are so tired and beatup. Thank you for the words to pray. They help my heart say what it cannot on its own.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:56 pm
I’m right there with all of you, feeling tired, beat up, hurt, betrayed, and rejected. I don’t know how I found this website but I’m glad I did. My husband is a student pastor and we have been treated so badly in ministry. I know that God has called us to ministry, but after going through 3 painful experiences in a row, I’m ready to throw in the towel! Without any wrongdoing and no warnings, no write-ups, good reviews along the way (and plenty of “your doing a good job’s from the exec. staff), my husband was asked to leave without even giving him a reason or letting us say goodbye to anyone (and the staff was told not to speak with him—what??!?)! They only gave one month’s severance. God has ALWAYS been faithful to us in seasons of transition. But it’s beginning to shake our confidence in our calling. Are we really supposed to be doing this?This has happened to so many of my Bible college friends…I wonder where the compassion of Christ is in all of this ungodly treatment from the church?? Surely, there is a better way for the church to handle difficult situations other than kicking one of their shepherds to the curb? One thing I know…God sees all the injustice, all the nastiness from other people that we and others in similar situations have had to endure. I continue to stand on His Word and His promises spoken long ago to me. We need direction. We need provision. And I know…God is ALWAYS faithful.
September 2nd, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Wendy,
like your attitude, and I like the attitude of several other ladies who have commented. Can you please give me a call at 918-919-1490. Thanks!
Kim
September 9th, 2009 at 9:42 am
My husband and I have been in full time Christian ministry for 20 years now and as pastors we have discovered that sheep BITE!!! and they bite mean and hard. I appreciate your website and the help I have found. I can’t wait to show it to my husband! Thank you
September 16th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
September 16th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
I’m not sure how I found this website, I believe it was God. I am a hurting wife who is ready to throw in the towel. I am embarrassed and ashamed to feel the way I do, but I feel as if I can no longer compete for my husband’s attention with the church. We have been in ministry for 15 years and I just want to be real. No more fish bowl, I want to be a normal person without the guilt, fear and anger. I trust in the Lord and know that he is the one carrying me through this fire. It is so hard when I don’t know who I can trust or talk too. I’m sorry to unload here, I’ve never found a place for hurting wives before. Thank you.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:42 am
Michele, you are correct indeed when you say you just want to live without shame or embarrassment. New Covenant Christianity is all about living in the fullness of Father’s unconditional love. It is about a freedom Jesus gave us that is not understood by most believers. Christianity is not a behavior modification program; or a religion. Christianity is a relationship of love with our great God, and as we live in that love He can change us from the inside out. Since we are all sinners, there should never be a fish bowl, just love and encouragement for each other. Institutional churches have skewed love, freedom and our relationship with Christ.
September 20th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
I typed hurting pastors wife into google and you guys came up. Like Michele, I feel ashamed of the way I feel. I feel defeated. Our church doesn’t even understand that they are destroying our desire to be in the ministry. They just think we are greenhorns who need to learn how to do it right. They got rid of the last pastor and now they hold us accountable for the way they feel about him (even though they say they have dropped it.) No matter what he does they tell him he is wrong. The church is not growing and he takes that to heart as being his fault. Right now my father is dying and I need my husband to help me through this but he is hurting so much because of the church and his temptation to throw in the towel and I don’t know…go to work at a supercenter????….that he can’t help me at all. He just gets mad that I cry so much. Add to that the fact that our small church can’t pay us enough to meet the bills yet says that if my husband takes another job they will cut his salary…being broke is bad enough…having to decide who not to pay this month is suffocating. I am just depleated. Anyway…thanks for your website. Perhaps it might help me get started tying a knot to hang on with.
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:42 pm
I PRAY FOR EACH OF YOU, WE ARE ALL APART OF GOD,S BODY. YET AND STILL AS PASTOR’S WIVES WE SOME TIMES FILL IF THOUGH WE ARE TRAPPLE ON I MEAN STEPPED ON, BECAUSE OF DISRESPECT, MISUNDERSTANDING, LIKE OF ATTENTION FROM OUR PASTOR HUSBANDS. .OH WELL LET,S GET RAW WITH IT , WOMEN LOVE MEN IN AUTHORTY SO IT,S ENOUGH TRYING ALL WAY,S TO PRAY FOR OUR HUSBAND, BUT THERE WILL ALWAYS BE OPPOSITION SO WE MUST ALL WAY,S KEEP THEM IN PRAYER, THAT GOD WILL KEEPTHEM FROM TEMPTATION. NEVER LET ANY ONE SEE YOU AT YOUR WEAKEST POINT, ALL WAY’S TAKE IT TO THE LORD IN PRAYER. AND KEEP ON SMILING. I FIND THIS HELP A LOT. BECAUSE WHEN THEY SEE YOU SAD THIS GIVE THEM .CONTENTMENT. WE AS PASTOR’S WIVE’S MUST KEEP IN MINE GOD IS WITH US ALL WAYS AND FOR EVER, HE HAVE MADE A COVENANT WITH YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND. KNOW ONE CAN CHANGE THAT BUT GOD. I HAVE BEEN A PASTOR’S WIFE FOR TWENTYEIGHT YEAR’S. I FOUND THAT BEING A PASTOR WIFE CAN BE A LONELY PLACE YOU MUST HAVE SOME ONE YOU CAN TALK TO WITH OUT JUDGING YOU, SOME ONE WHO WILL ALLOW YOU TO VENT AND UNDERSTAND YOU AT THE SAME TIME. THAT SOME ONE MUST BE A FRIEND SENT FROM GOD. THIS MAKES LIFE A LITTLE EASY AND NOT SO LONELY. IIF YOU DO NOT HAVE SUCH A FRIEND PRAY THAT GOD WILL SEND YOU ONE . THANK’S FOR ALLOWING ME TO EXPRESS MY SELF PASTOR WIVE’S ARE GEMS IN WHOM GOD PUT IN THE CHURCH TO SHINE WHEN ALL ELSE FELL .”‘ GEM’S MEAN GOD ELECTED ME TO SERVE” MAY OUR LORD AND SAVIOR BLESS EACH OF YOU . LET’S ALL GIVE EACH OTHER A SPIRITUAL HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG LOVE ALL OF YOU IN JESUS NAME.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
I feel like all these ladies do. I’ve heard every sermon, read every article. I try spending more time in God’s Word, etc. It all helps for awhile, then something else happens at church. I know I’m not supposed to let circumstances get me down, but it is so constant I can’t seem to keep my head above water. My husband (pastor) is very good about being there for me, but I can’t burden him all the time or he will become discouraged also. I used to love being at church and working at different ministries, but I get to where I dread Sundays and Wednesdays. I want to serve the Lord in liberty. The way it used to be. I read God’s promises and I don’t see them coming true in my life. I feel terrible even saying that, cause Christ is the best thing that’s every happened in my life but that’s how I feel nonetheless. My head believes but my heart doesn’t. I keep going through the motions, and keep smiling even though I feel dead inside. ”And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest. Lo, then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest.” Ps. 55:6-8
November 16th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Oh ladies, I am so sorry for all of you. My husband and I have been in the ministry for over 30 years as youth pastor, missionary on a foreign field, and senior pastor. I met Jesus when I was 17 and He changed my life and I have never stopped loving Him. But His church is killing me. In 30 years I’ve never wanted out of ministry…but I do now. The meanness of church people is more than I can take anymore. I know that the Lord is my strong tower, my refuge and hiding place, but it doesn’t stop the attacks. Will you pray for me too?
November 18th, 2009 at 8:04 am
Hi ladies, I too just did a google and found the site under support for Pastor’s wives. I suppose that I have been having a meltdown for a while now. It is so hard to be who the Lord has called us to be. I can identify with all of you from time to time. I guess my problem is that because my husband is so frustrated with the church and yes he expects me to be in everything and when things don’t go right, It is my fault. I am so tired of the constant financial sacrifices that we have had to make. It is a cruel world, the church. God has given me gifts and I want to be able to use them for his glory, not to feel guilty for doing what God has called me to do. Some days, I am not even sure if I am suppose to be in the ministry and like you I want to throw in the towel, there have even been times I felt like leaving my marriage because my husband seems to forget that he has a family. I love the Lord and don’t want to ever do anything that would hinder his ministry but don’t I count, don’t I matter. Did not the Lord die already for the church so why do my husband and some of your husbands feel like they have to be the sacrificial lamb again? Help ! It is comforting to be able to even write my feelings. I have titles of books in me but somethings are so shameful, hurtful that I don’t think I could even put them in print. Thank the Lord for this space to share some of whats in my heart. God bless you and Ladies lets just keep praying for one another and especially our mates.
November 27th, 2009 at 6:09 am
Hi, I stumbled upon this nice site while searching “pastoral burnout.” After much reading here and other places, I realize my husband has probably been experiencing burnout for most of the 18 years of ministry at our church. We are almost to the breaking point with no one to listen. Our church was once growing and thriving. Now it is reduced to half it’s former size. Some who’ve left (I wish I could) have promised us that it’s not he and I, but the church that has dicouraged them and they need to get somewhere where they can grow. I’ve gone through huge life crises and come out by learning to use the word. I thank God for the growth I’ve experienced, but for the last two years although I’ve reached, searched, and prayed til I don’t know how else to pray, I’m very discouraged and want to leave the church I’ve been in for 30 years. I love the Lord desperately, love to teach, preach, write, and feel I have so much to give. It’s so often overlooked. My husband is often aloof and sullen, and quiet at home due to the way he and I have been treated. I could echo sentiment after sentiment of the other ladie’s comments. It’s even negatively affecting our adult children–one is our worship leader, both are ready to leave the church they grew up in. Having to keep our hurts and disappointments to ourselves is taking a huge toll. My heart is broken and its the church’s fault. I would love to be part of a church, but want to be appreciated and properly compensated. We’ve taken a voluntary pay cut to help the church stay afloat. They didn’t want us to do it and originally we felt it would free us to do other types of ministry. We’re having an awful time getting started doing anything else, though we’ve diligently knocked on every possible door. The pay cut is becoming a ‘hindrance” to me. I want so badly to stay sweet, kind, and loving, but I’m fighting bitterness and for all practical purposes I’ve quit this particular church and actually feel relieved.I am there in body only. I’ve lost my joy in this position and hope to recover it before my husband and I become one more statistic. Blessing to all of you, you’re not alone.
December 8th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
In some ways, I’m glad to have found this site and to see messages from other wives about their frustrations. My husband is a senior seminary student, a 2nd career older student, and was appointed as a part time pastor at a church 45 minutes from the seminary while continuing to carry a full-time class load. We moved away from our home of 20+ years, I left a satisfying job, we moved into “student” housing. I had also lost both my parents and my older sister in the 6 years preceding our move, so I was/am still grieving. My husband is a Type A personality and so everything he does, he does 110%, including his studies and ministry. Even when he is in our apartment, he is not “here.” He’s a straight A student and is constantly praised for his work at his church. In May, he will graduate and, in typical church political fashion, no one will discuss with him the possibility of a call. He has actually been told that nothing may be forthcoming until this time next year. Meanwhile, we have no home to go back to, cannot stay where we are, and all I can get out of him is “I’m praying about it.” Well, if pleading with God to please do something is prayer, then I’m praying, too. I am nearly 60 years old and the stress of this life is building tremendously on me. In the past two and a half years I have seen a side of “church” life that I would never have believed existed. District leaders who play “I’ve Got A Secret;”theology professors who insist on having their beliefs regurgitated to them rather than encouraging students to find their own paths; church members who open their doors for a Sunday noon food bank but shut their hearts to the people who come to use it. As several other wives noted, I’m ready to throw in the towel, not just on the church, but also on my marriage.
January 9th, 2010 at 9:44 am
I’m a relatively new Pastor’s wife. I’ve had no mentor to teach me how to operate in ministry. The Lord has been my ULTIMATE teacher.I feel grossly misunderstood by my husband and congregation. I am TRULY being enlightened on the ugly side of ministry and church politics. I know this is not what Christ intended when He instructed us to love 1 another as Christ loved the church.I feel responsible to the Lord to show and instruct other women on conducting themselves through the Love of Christ. I know this journey is not alway’s going to be roses, this trial is temporary and I will make it. Only what we do for Christ will stand. Be encouraged ladies!
January 25th, 2010 at 8:51 am
Reading these posts have helped me today. I, too, am a hurting & sad pastor’s wife. Our life is the church. We’ve been through hell the last 4 years — falsely accused of “kicking” people out (big givers). We’ve also drained our savings and retirement to keep the church afloat so my husband would not look like a failure. We’ve also taken huge pay cuts due to the 40% cut in giving over the last year. We’ve been hurt by mean-spirited people who feel they have earned the right to say whatever they want to say to us. Then they leave, go to another church and speak badly about us. The sad part about it is that we’re truly caring and loving, which I think is why this is especially hard. If we deserved it, I would have said a long time ago, “let’s get out of this ministry mess!” I’ve continued to believe that God has us here. Yet, I’m starting to question that call today. Most recently, the one we counseled through suicide moments, relationship hurts over a 3 year period, left the church because he didn’t like a ministry that was being encouraged church wide — a financial ministry. Of course, we soon found out it was because of deception and lack of integrity in his life; nevertheless, he “took” many with him and refused to handle it appropriately. I’ve never met meaner people anywhere else like I have in the church. On top of it all, I tend to be overly sensitive anyway, working through my own hurt in life with God. But I’m expected to not have hurts. After all, I’m the pastor’s wife. My husband seems to have all the answers for the church. How could he not have all the answers for me, for us? Don’t know really how to handle all of this. I just want to be “free” from the heartache and pressures of the church. I envy wives who have husbands who are laid off contractors, who are scraping to get by, able to spend more time together, talking, contemplating a new job…..odd, sounds wonderful to me! Thank you for letting me “vent” via my laptop! I’m glad I’m not alone……
January 31st, 2010 at 8:15 am
I just found your website as I was searching for a place to go for hurting pastors’ wives. My husband has been in the minitry for over 20 years now. We were married 10 years when he went into the ministry. Right now, my husband is pursuing leaving the denomination we are currently serving, because of the recent church ruling of the homosexuality issue. I don’t feel I’m called to move into this denomination. It’s causing some tension and great stress for me. Our grown children are hurting because of all the negative experiences we’ve had in the ministry. I feel like I’m holding everyone up, but there is no one to hold me. I need some pastoral care, but I don’t where to turn. I can’t turn to my husband..he’s not my pastor. Many times, I want my life back, the one before seminary, when I served the church with gladness and was fed, not critized or overhearing complaints about my husband. Thanks for this avenue to share. I feel it was God who directed me to this sight!
February 4th, 2010 at 6:30 pm
It is like a rush of air to realize that I am not crazy and there are other pastoral families with similar experiences to ours. My husband is not the senior pastor at our church, and the church seems to function like a corporation, not the body of Christ. I feel cynical, mistrusting, and alone. There is noone to share my fears or frustrations with, and I am paranoid about telling anyone what is going on or how I feel for fear someone will find out and it will make things worse for him. The church is like a black widow who eats her mate.
February 5th, 2010 at 12:57 pm
Who minister’s to Pastors’ wives…that’s a question I’ve been asking to church leaders, bishops, etc. They look at me as if I had horns coming out of my head….My husband is not my pastor.
Now I understand why Roman Catholic priests are celibate.
February 11th, 2010 at 10:39 pm
Well, I can’t believe I’m actually typing this. I’ve been hurt so badly lately that I really don’t want to go on. ”Church folks”!!!! GRrrrr… Well, I too am a pastor’s wife, and a step pastor’s kid. I now understand what my mom went through. My husband is on his 3rd church and we’ve been in the ministry for about 15 years now. Today, has been one of the hardest days for me and I’m just tired and burned out. I too, as one Preacher’s wife said, dread Wednesday’s and Sundays, because I have to see these people who call themselves Christians. I’ve been telling my husband lately that I need to leave him because apparently, I’m not called to be a pastor’s wife. I can’t deal with all of the back biting and hurtful things people do, those that you think are your friends, in church. I’m not your quiet little preacher’s wife. I like to laugh and work with youth, and because I don’t sit quietly by, people don’t like it. That’s why I told my husband he needs someone who is reserved and is very quiet. He would be better off and things would be so much smoother. He assures me that God has called me to do ministry alongside him. I’m very fortunate to have a loving, caring, and compassionate husband. He is my best friend, but the ministry is hard and hurtful and I don’t want it anymore. I’ve even told him, “I just want to die!” And that sounds terrible, but sometimes,… I do. I keep Jeremiah 33:3 in my thoughts though.. “Call on Me and I will answer you and show you GREAT and mighty things which you do not know.” I’M DEPENDING ON THOSE GREAT AND MIGHTY THINGS. Please ladies, pray for me. I don’t feel worthy to be a pastor’s wife because of these mixed feelings. Thanks.
February 13th, 2010 at 7:33 am
Wina, I’ll be praying for you. I had the same conversation with my husband several years ago. In fact, I went to work crying, because I was seriously thinking of leaving my husband. I just couldn’t take it any more. My husband and I had a long talk and basically told him that I loved him, but couldn’t stand by to see what was happening to him, which was affecting me. Fortunately, that became a wake up call. I still am figuring out how I fit in as a pastor’s wive after almost 25 years. However, I have tried to make friends outside of the church and have a full-time job now, which limits me to what I will do in the church. The best advice I can offer..don’t become someone you are not. You need to keep your laughter and keep working with the youth, if that’s what fills you. These are the gifts God gave you. No matter what you do — someone will not like it. You are in my prayers.